My TransFeminine Journal
NOTE: This Journal is very personal and posted in reverse cronological order so that the latest is at the top. It is long, detailed and reads 'backwards' so may seem odd at first. If you find it triggering, please exit the page. It is not here to hurt or harm nor be judged. The primary audience is family and friends to keep updated and also if you find it useful in your own gender transition. Be Blessed.
If you feel the need to comment then you may Contact me and I will choose whether to respond. Be assured anything rude, Trans/Homophobic, bigoted or dogma focused will simply hit the super-heated furnace (I don't bother recycling toxic materials and there is already too much landfill in the world). Enjoy ...
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January 2022
Hello my friends and followers. I am very aware that this jorunal is in need of entries and I am working on them off-line - they will be uploaded soon. In the mean time, you can follow my journey on my new Instagram account @TransFemGurl
Check back here again soon for shared details :)
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14/7/2021
I sit here at my computer typing this, tears rolling down my cheeks like I am related to Niagara Falls. Why? Well my 'bestie', a person who was once a Poly-Partner, then ex but never in a bad way - we remained friends all through tough times and one of my BIGGEST supporters in my changes, has left the country today - for (likely) ever.
The many times we caught up in the last weeks before the inevitable were fun - smiles, laughs, sharing stories and discussing things like packing an moving, but never tears. We just avoided 'those' words that we both knew would lead to, well, public embarrassment. But it had to happen.
I honoured a request to not attend the airport - something she needed to do without others present. That meant our 'final' catchup was yesterday, in a cafe that we both enjoy. Despite the wonderful views of the ocean, smiles of the staff happy to see us, somewhere in each of our hears was a 'pang' of hurting going on - that pending sense of loss. Coffee and foods consumed, it was time ... time to say our farewells. Needless to say croaky voices spoke the words and watery eyes filled in the gaps.
I know that the world may one-day return to a sense of normality where travel means we can to more coffee on different soil, I just hope that 'one-day' occurs in my remaining lifetime.
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4/7/2021
Brain-fart day !!
Busy working on a new journal entry (not yet finished) when I had one of those 'AHA' moments that seem to be cropping up regularly for me atm. Grappling with finding where the hell I am at with my sexuality at the moment (hormone driven I'm sure due to HRT - but that is another story) it dawned on me like the bleeding obvious!
In brief, I found the perfect match sexuality label in the early 2000's with Pansexual (sexual attraction regardless of gender) that resonated for almost 2 decades. Then - BOOM - along comes the decision to transition (see upcoming Journal entry), HRT and the subsequent loss of most sexual desires and attractions. I have been toying with Demi, Ace, "am I still Pan", my mind boggles with frustration - not at the changes but at defining it for my own (no-one else's) completeness.Reading, researching and there it was, like a flashing light ... PanRomantic DemiSexual (having the potential to feel romantic attraction to people(s) of any gender but only feeling sexual attraction to people(s) with whom a significant emotional bond develops).
I am at peace ... at least for now ...
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28/6/2021
So ... well ... I had reason (work) to present as Male/Andro for 5 days recently and to put it simply - hated it. I felt less authentic, uncomfortable within me (although outwardly remained professional) and just ... yuck. Fortunately that is the last of that work so it goes away now. It was certainly tho a CLEAR indicator that I am on the best path for me (ie. full transition) AND caused a knock-on effect of having me challenge my internal identity of gender. Whereas I was previously really happy in 'Non-Binary land' I am not so any more. Not that I feel fake, I just feel that my evolving has moved me squarely into Transgender/Transfeminine world. It feels right, sounds good and looks perfect as a label to represent where I am at. Whereas some people dislike 'labels', I find them useful tools to help me communicate where I am at both internally and to the external world.
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5/6/2021
Quick update: I had my first 'full femme' business meeting yesterday with a company that I am contracting to (so not boss, kinda client but not end-customer) and it went very well. The 'client' is well aware of my Transfem nature and we have had several meeting with me dressed Andro but today was fully dressed.
I had earlier appointments in the day where I was my usual gurl-self. I had a 'fuck it' moment and decided not to change outfits. I pre-warned I was attending enfemme and the support was just fantastic. This is why I now choose to only work with good people and ditch assholes with bigot outlooks, foul attitudes and outdated ideas.We even discussed if we would update their website to represent me as TG !
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2/6/2021
2 weeks since last update - wow so much can happen in a short time.
Fun Stuffs:
Went out to an LGBTIQ+ ran charity event last Saturday night - what a blast!Wore my new party dress complete with new heels. Running 30 minutes late to the event (my nails would not dry quickly) I made a 'princess entrance' as proceedings had already started. Needing to cross the entire room to get to the group and knowing the host/MC well, she 'announced' me and made fun of the fact I was late (in a fun way). Everyone got a giggle and set the tone for the evening. I even connected with previous friends who only knew me as 'boy.' Wow, did they get a rapid 'education' but all good as I felt well accepted and joined their table.
Gurl Stuffs:
Bought some new clothes (as gurls do) and so excited to find the last white tennis skirt I wanted in a remote store that sent the stock to Online and I could purchase it ... delivered today and pics soon YAY New tops and this coolest new 'Rainbow Dress', just in time for Pride Month ... *Also-YAY*
Also got both ears pierced which is actually a big deal for me. Not the actual piercing but that I must stay 'dry' (aka out of water) which, for me that is where I generate my income - in water (think swimming)! This took quite a bit of planning but now done and I only have a week of 'dry' time left. I wanted small hoops/sleepers put in soI bypassed the stud-via-gun method and opted for the direct-needle approach. This means my hoops are in now and I do not have to go thru the pain and repeated 'dry' time in changing from studs to hoops in 12 weeks time #SmartGurl
Needless to say (but will anyhow) I am delighted with the outcome and plan to make (jewellery crafting) all manner of 'pretties' as drop earrings to hang from these hoops once healed (again all about not having to change earrings and risking trauma/injury to ears & creating more 'dry'/healing time!
Medical:
Well ... It's official ... I am TransGender!
I moved from Phytoestrogen (suppliments) based feminization program to mainstream HRT. On a combination of Oestarol Valerate (Oestrogen) and Cyproterone (T-Blocker). Starting on low doses as my Sexual Health Doctor insists and work up on a monthly basis depending on the results of regular blood tests. It is definitely one of those 'scary-and-exciting' happenings in life and I'm pleased to say that it just feels right on every level as my journey unfolds and the reality of the outcomes sinks in. I gain the prescription this morning, fill it this afternoon and took the first dose this evening.
I still relate to being Non-Binary (enby) with clarity that I'm spending way more time in feminine than masculine and that will continue, so Gender-Fluid is becoming less 'fluid' and more in Femme. At the end they are all only labels and whilst useful in some conversations, merely tools for that and not something I am fixated on.
Family:
I had been withholding coming out to my son, not as a matter of being worried but he has had a lot on his plate lately. So now that he is more sorted, I called last night and advised that I am now Trans and that he can expect more changes in me. His response was supportive and kinda cute with 'So when have you even been normal dad' *giggles*
I am blessed to have a few supportive people around me - it just helps.Not so much my mom tho but then she is in a secure dementia ward in a facility. I only got as far as sharing that I had my ears pierce and she hung up the phone in disgust.
Ah, old ladies - you gotta love them ...
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16/5/2021
Wow, so overdue for an update. The thing with journals is that life can get away from you and it can be easy to let writing slide but I feel it is so important. Anyhoo ...
Early April I had come out to all my significant friends except one - simply trouble finding common calendar space for a catch-up coffee chat. I felt so good to be able to be myself for 9x % of the time. I must admit tho this last friend to tell has me nervous as he may well be one to shun my choices (based solely on the sub-text of every day chit-chat) so has been left until the last. I guess time will tell.
Then, second week in to the month (so slightly after the Easter period) I came down extremely unwell. It hit in like 2 days from 'sapiro to zero' that knocked me down for almost 2 weeks. Doctors and blood tests could not locate anything - just a headache and total fatigue. All I could do was rest and, unfortunately, fight off spiraling into some very dark head-space - like WTF did that stuff even come from ?? I even stopped taking my Phytos thinking I was wasting my time, blah blah blah ... Fuck - I was so not ok but fortunately have a few good friends who, unbeknown to them, helped me through and I am so grateful!As quickly as it came on it departed ... and by Anzac Day I was mostly back to ok again. Most odd and on some levels scary.
So back on track, I have re-immersed myself in evolving and so it goes.'Retail Therapy' has been awesome and I have some super-cute new outfits that I look forward to wearing and (should I remember - take selfies to share here).I have upped my nail-polish game and wear super-cute and playful colors on my fingernails every day. Gone are the concerns of what others think - I wear it to all business meetings, outings and gatherings. I feels so extra feminine and is a real game-changer in terms of being seen as, and to some extend respected as a Transfeminine gurl. By that I mean as nice as the sales assistants are in dress shops - they are now even more accepting. It's almost like 'yup, this person is serious about their identity'. Yes, it is all anecdotal but I don't care as it makes me feel better, more fem and supportive of my outfits and ever-expanding self confidence as a gurl!
Social:
Now out to ALL my significant friends and gladly all went well, at least at surface to see how the next few months plays out.I find that each morning I now get dressed according to how I feel and what I want to wear and less concerned with what may be upcoming in my calendar. Of course I keep it appropriate - not 'slutty' at business meetings or where there may be kids present. I remain mindful of how others may feel sitting with me in a café for example but in the end, I choose to dress for me. So far all has gone well so I must be doing ok.
Medical:
Back on my Phytos and plan to make a GP appointment soon to discuss other hormone options as it is very clear to me this is my path and thus something 'stronger' may be in order. Not that I am becoming impatient, I am simply expanding my options in the next steps I may take.
Romance/Relationships:
During my unwellness I was able to critically look into where I feel I want to go with this.
Currently single, I am happy with that and have no plans to change that.
Sexually I tweaked my identity from Pansexual to Demi when I realized I am not really seeking any sexual connections - I just do not desire random hook-ups and given that I am also not looking for any relationships of any type right now - sex is pretty much off the table - and I do not feel bad about that. I have no interest in play or encounters but still human with a pulse to not closing off possibilities - just not seeking ANY actively. I'll just let nature and fate play that out.
Gurl Stuffs:
HEELS - cannot get enough and literally have barely worn flats in ages. Maybe a couple of times a week I must wear 'sensible shoes' - think in a workshop or where Workplace Safety kicks in (no pun intended).
As I mentioned above I have lots of new clothing items so who knows what outfit combo's I will conjure up ... so looking forward to that.
Makeups - still slow off the mark so need to up that game. I will find a milestone to lock into as clearly I need an external influence to make things happen - stay tuned.
Bought new 'night hair' - as much as I like the styling and cut that my hairdresser has done of my current hair, I just like black over brunette so right or wrong I have new Black 'night hair'. I have to let it settle (aka let Tropical humidity take affect and then style into shape) so will likely do the change-over next week. I have an event coming up in a few weeks so perfect! Also have a stunning new outfit for that which I will defs show-off somehow.
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21/3/2021
Oh what a difference a few weeks can make. Sitting here on the evening of Equinox and reflecting on recent pasts, we are all products of human nature. Not just our own but inclusive of those around us both close and distant.
I recall last Solstice thinking about the important steps I needed to make, hurdles to jump and things which, to put them in raw honesty, fears to overcome.
For example, I was looking at wigs with complete despair, not really knowing how to move forward, what with length, color, style, cost, etc. What if I bought the wrong one, who can I trust to help, where do I even get one in the regional area I live, etc.
Scary stuff for a new gurl!
Yet here I now sit, not just with wigs ... no, no, no ... these are MY HAIR ... I have beautiful 'day hair' and 'night hair' and whats more, My Hair!
I was uncertain on body changes, inside and out (breasts, body hair, voice, mannerisms, etc). What will friends, family, colleagues think? Am I making right choices? What if ...
Then 'coming out', telling people who were already noticing changes ... OMGoddess what will I say, how will they act towards me, who should I tell and who not, how will I handle rejection?More scary stuffs despite being a confident gurl.
"I just don't look feminine enough!" I need makeup but I know nothing about it at all! Am I dressing 'too young', too slutty, too cutesy, too anything?At times I just say in total overwhelm, feeling like crying. Now I dress every day as fem or andro. I go wherever I want to in whatever 'mode' I feel in and in whatever outfit that is right for me! I am full body shaved, undertaking several hair removal techniques, changed up my hormone regime, growing out my natural hair, eyebrows shaped and started voice training.
Makeup is still a mystery to me but since having purchased and started the online course I'm no longer scared, in fact I now WANT it !
My nails are painted all the time, only bare when changing color or those multi-day at sea, in salt water periods as salt water wrecks them in no time.
I have sourced and wear quality feminine jewellery, watches and other 'bling' and what I call my 'pretties'. My toe-ring never comes off.
Shoes ... Oh my ... like HEELS rock, flats only when I must and always girl footwear.
I still keep hose/fishnets for evening wear or special occasions but my drawers have lots of styles and colors.
Swimwear is challenging but I own 2 bikini sets (looking to buy a third) and a one-piece as apparently 'every gurl needs a one-piece as an option,'
Writing this and reading it back even has me surprised and impressed. Wow how far I have come!
So what next?
Well makeup of course, a lot more voice training and ongoing body modification (breasts, less hair on body and more on head).
I would now like some part-time work where I can present as gurl. I know this may be tough but I am persistent.
I have more social and family stuff to tweak but in-flow on that. So to close off this journal entry, I quote:
"And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed!
98 and 3/4 per cent guaranteed"
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6/3/2021
Wow, what a crazy good busy few weeks!
So what has happened in my journey - lots. It seems that things are accelerating and I was told that may happen, well in bursts and it sure is! I'll summarize in sections this time rather than chronologically.
Medical:
Called the local sexual health clinic to follow up a recommendation from my GP (family doctor) and gained an appointment with a doctor. I was fortunate to have over an hour to discuss various things from mental health to physical. As one of my goals is to change my gender legally, I chose to dress what I now call Andro-Fem (ie. Andro, as previously described but more feminine in overall appearance) to help make a point. It went very well and I have a few more sessions with her. I also gained a referral to a specialist Psychologist (as needed for the process).
Had that first appointment this week and it was great. He was very nice, respectful and we discussed my goals, wants, needs and desires together with barriers and road-blocks. I will be having a minimum of 2 more appointments in the coming months.
A great outcome was the placement into a Trans-support group to be able to network with others in this small city.
Also started my new Phytoestrogens regime (PM and SP) so see how things speed up there. I can already feel my body adjusting to the new chemistry - some good and other stuff ... well let's say it's purging ...
Legals:
Commenced the formal Gender Change legal process. It is going to take 6 months to undertake but the clock has started - yay.My new bank cards arrive with new name on them - I feel so 'Wendy' *giggles*
Social:
Come out to 2 best friends up here - They each responded differently but all ok. Discussed with my current (part-time) cis-girl Poly partner that she now has a G/F not B/F - she loves it and fully supports all I do.
Gurl Stuffs:
First Hairdresser appointment as gurl - went in fully dressed and they were just so delightful and helped me with all my wigs. Got one cut and it looks stunning. I now have 'daily hair' to wear so tick that box - hair all sorted.
First time wearing full fem dress with short skirt in major shopping mall. I have been out on dates both day and night before but this was solo and like full on! Got plenty of odd looks as I do not do makeup yet but I did not care.
I went all this week with toes painted and bling exposed in open toe shoes.
Bought and started makeup course online - loving it thus far. Aim to be doing day makeup by end March and evening makeup thru April.
And of course, bought some new clothes and heels squeeeeeI just realized writing this ... I'm proud of myself! #GoGurlMe
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15/2/2021
As I was telling a gurl-friend of mine in messages earlier, I am doing a lot of firsts at the moment, part of my evolving and finding my way on this path I am creating, day by day, making it up as I go along!
Today I had a peer management meeting first up and decide before I left home that I would go fully Andro dressed, meaning 'girl' shorty shorts (not booty shorts but full legs showing), 'girl' sleeve-less v-neck tight cotton top, open toe casuals and bright colored nail polish. I often dress Andro during the day and even gurl in the office sometime, but this was a meeting in a public café with work peers - a first at this level.
Well ...
I had no direct comments but plenty of odd looks. The meeting went well & effective but for one female co-worker constantly looking bewildered at me. I simply observed, did not miss a beat and carried on. I did messaged the meeting chair after seeking any adverse feedback (he is across my non-binary identity but that is all) but none at this point.
I strike that up as a win see where it leads from here.
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13/2/2021
More time spend with 'Dr. Google' and yup, more learnings and reflecting on recent ones, in particular ...
'...Transfeminine may be used by individuals who were assigned male at birth but align more closely with femininity, while not necessarily fully identifying as a woman...' (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-binary_gender)
THIS... this is it!
In the virtual alphabet-soup of labels, symbols, terms and words/phrases it is this that I have found and resonates 100%. I still identify as Non-Binary, Gender-fluid as those labels work, it's just as an umbrella term, Transfeminine hits the nail dead-center. It also means in my human-not-robotic brain that I now feel more comfortable under the other umbrella term 'Trans...' "Yes I am Trans ... transfeminine and I happily own that" *smiles*
So maybe not a huge move for some but I feel a significant one for me on this rapidly moving journey of the evolution of me!
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9/2/2021
Sometimes change and learnings come fast, now seems to be one of those times. I am a patient soul and still there are things I would like to have happen quicker than nature intends, like growing out my hair (a decision taken in the new year as part of presenting and feeling more feminine) and growing my breasts.
The former, well apart from maintaining healthy hair, not much I can do but wait and manage my way thru the various 'mop and manky' stages of growth. The latter, well there is a story ... here is the brief version.
Early in my then 'Transforming' views (as distinct from Transitioning which is a term I feel is more suited to my transgender sistas) I bought a program to guide me through breast development. I see this as important for me as part of my feminization. A good program but had some elements I did not like or were not available to me in my country. So I added further research and information uptake to create my own adaptation, as follows:
Phytoestrogens Intake:
* 3000mg of Fenugreek herbal supplement per day,
* 1 can very low alcohol beer per day for Hops,
* Tissue stimulation:
3 to 5 minutes of breast massage using Tea Tree oil as topical ointment (most days),
Nipple suction cups on weekend nights and other times when possible.
All going well with small incremental gains that I can see and feel but difficult to capture on camera (selfies).
And ... I see other beautiful gurls enhancing and so very much want more.
At this point, note my goal is modest A-cups that, if spill towards B-cups I'm ok with. I do not seek massive D or E Cups as my smaller frame does not suit them and also at the odd times I need to present as boy (I do not dislike my masc self, just prefer my fem self) then I can do that easily.I do want full A-cups tho that are clearly noticeable and fill out dresses and tops accordingly. I am ok with wearing a padded B-cup bra if needed for extra boost at times if I feel so inclined.
More research and 'boom', I find that the once restricted Pueraria Mirifica herb is now available in-store and online.Yay !
Also, I found a source of a new form of Fenugreek that is more pure and less expensive than my current product. I'm also adding Saw Palmetto as well to increase the feminization process along :)
All in all a significant change to my breast growth process that I understand will also help reduce body hair but increase head hair health whilst not impacting the functionality of my 'boy bits' - a consideration in all of this (hence Not using mainstream HRT products).
Order is in, herbs arrive soon, I'll keep this journal updated.
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6/2/2021
Milestone day! Whilst I am now constantly dressing 'Andro' daily (ie 'girl' clothes bought in a 'dress shop' but mostly shorty shorts and various tops so look fem-but-not), I chose to go out tonight to the city in a miniskirt, shoe-string top with bralet under, heals and short bob wig. No makeup yet as I am pre-novice.
I felt brave, sexy, fully embracing gurl, excited and nervous.I left home dressed, walked to my car parked in my street, drove, arrived at my destination and parked 3 minutes walk away on purpose.On leaving drove to another venue an met with another gurl. Whilst waiting for her I chatted on the street with several passerbys and not a harsh word spoken. Final stage drove my gurl friend home and refueled the car at the self-serve garage.
An exhilarating experience and I loved it. I really look forward to my next daytime outing dressed !
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30/1/2021
Currently focusing on several aspects of feminization.
Body is a big one.
Breast growth regime is 3000mg per day of Phytoestrogens (Fenugreek orally, Tea Tree Oil topically) together with breast tissue massage daily using Tea Tree Oil.
I now shave ALL my body as smooth as possible. I was only thinking how 6 months ago that seemed a strange-ish activity and now it is just the norm.
Laser removal of hair is on my back and shoulders at the moment. Next will be belly/chest or possibly face.
I do not mind shaving, it feels a very feminine thing to do so I like it - just time consuming to do whole body.
Started growing my hair out as I decided full wigs may not realistic in the tropics long term.It is at least a 2 year long process as I started at #2 buzz-cut length and as anyone knows who has grown from that - it's a looooong term thing. I am aiming past shoulder length so I have have a pony tail. had one in my 30's and loved it so 'fuk it', doing it again :)
Wardrobe is sorted, that was easy. I now have more 'girl' clothes than boy and culling the latter. I dress fem/gurl at home exclusively and Andro when out (I will do a separate Writing on that as it is way cool and I have stuff to share). Masc/boy dressing is now solely for aspects of work (client meetings and service delivery) for good reasons. That said, my 2021 updated Business Plan has be wind that back by the end of July coming where masc/boy will be less than 5% of my time.
I don't dislike my masc/boy side, I just massively prefer fem/gurl.
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20/12/2020
What better place to journal my Transfeminine journey that here on my own website ... and so it began ...
Preamble:The most common question I get is 'when did you start dressing?' or 'how long have you been fem?'An easy and reasonable question with a less easy answer. AS far as I can remember back, and I am in my 50's now, I have had instances of being mis-aligned with my birth gender - AMAB.Through my childhood there was very little chance to explore that despite having strong realizations at age 10. Being raised in a very strict (really abusive) family environment where it was done 'father's way or no way at all' - suffice to say 'boys are boys and they do boy stuff' as he saw fit - dressing was NOT part of that and any variation lead to ... well ... enough said.
In my teens, well small experimentation under the guise of 'school drama/theatre' and later parties fueled with alcohol that had lots of people swapping clothes - I took advantage and loved it.
In my early adulthood, marrying early meant that there was again very little room for experiences outside of the occasional 'fancy dress' party where I partook and, well, enjoyed.
Fast-forward to when all that ended (late 90's) it became "fuck it" and I began to live more as myself. Still restrained due to professional and family expectations, but outlets became easier and more frequent.Fast-forward-further-still, Covid19 pandemic, lockdowns, personal and relationship pressures lead to "fuck it more' - and here I am.
Mostly out (one only remaining life segment left closeted; yup work - well an element of it, not all of it) and I dress daily, now have more girl clothes than boy and embracing so much more as each day passes.
Along came a few light-bulb moments.First joining the dots on non-binary, gender fluidity, how I was living and what I wanted.Then I discovered the term Transfeminine - that seal it ... that is ME (see more on that in my reflections below).Updates will be as random as life happens *giggles*
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